a jet plane and a big idea.

Once again, a few months later, I am re-discovering that I have a blog that I can write stuff on and have people read it! Whenever I start writing again I feel like I always have some excuse as to why I haven't written in awhile: too busy, too tired, too drained, too brain dead. I am, however, none of those things at this moment, which is probably why I am suddenly motivated to write, for the first time since becoming a college graduate, at 10:11 on a Friday night, a time when any other single 20-something would probably be out. Whatever.

Blah blah blah I graduated college. Blah blah blah I don't have a job. You've heard it all before.

I have decided to move to Berkeley, California, where maybe I will go out on Friday nights. Maybe.

This decision came out of a Sunday night jaunt downtown with two college friends, we were sitting at a round table in What Ales You, scouting out the absolutely non-existent scene when my sister texted me: 'even if you don't get the job, you should still move here.' In that moment of underwhelmed desperation, I texted back, sooner than I probably should have, 'okay. call me tomorrow.' The next morning, over a breakfast of bagels with Tofutti, scrambled eggs, and black coffee, I announced to my parents and best friend and roommate, that yes, I am going to move across the country to live with my sister just because, 'I am bored.' Seems pretty reasonable to me.

Since then, I still don't know if I have the job in question (I'll find out next week!) and I am still pumped about my decision. However, I am having those trippy internal moments when I space out for too long and suddenly get really upset that I am leaving the gorgeous state of Vermont. Thank god when those happen Christina is there to say 'it is the people you will miss,and we won't be here for much longer. Hopefully.' Last night was a perfect example, sitting on Church Street, nursing my one dollar PBR, moping with Sam and Christina and joking that I should start a Twitter account entitled 'ProblemsoftheUnemployed' (think about that one for a second, I would have like 500 followers just from the name alone!), when all of a sudden I envisioned my world legitimately crumbling and leaving me in a mass of rumble and discarded shoes. Sam told me it was a great thing that I was moving to a giant fault line. I ignored that.

Although I currently have a small bank account, I have a big heart and a big mind and a big desire, and those are things money can't buy. Soon I'll have a job, and an apartment I can call my own, and some friends maybe, probably some plants to fill the apartment with oxygen, a sweet bike to ride around in, some great experiences, and a new West Coast Best Coast outlook. And hey, if things don't work out, I can always move back East.

Enjoy the mov(i)e.

up in the morning with the rising sun.

9 years old. Staring out the window in the backseat of my mom's old blue Volvo. Trunk packed, palms sweaty with anticipation. I hear the dirt crunching beneath the creaky wheels. Dead stop. I hop out. I breath in dirt and water and sweat and pine trees. I am here.

Fast forward 9 years. (same) trunk packed. and a duffel. and another one. and a box. Different Volvo. The road is smooth, no dirt to be found. Palms are still sweaty (I start to wonder if they ever stopped sweating). Dead stop. I hop out. I breath in... what do I breath in? Pines, maybe. Water, maybe. Sweat, yes. I am here.

The first time I arrived was a at camp, the second time, at college. There is no difference.

College is wrapping up. Camp, despite my pleas and longings and desires to go back, may be wrapping up to. How ironic that that is occurring at roughly the same time. Philosophical me says: take it as a sign that you actually have to grow up. Normal me says: fuck that, i'm going back.

How can you leave this place?  Oh wait, you can't, actually.

Things I learned/gained at Windridge:
1. How to play tennis
2. How to hide from bats
3. How to make the perfect s'more
4. How to fall in ditch and break your arm (I wish I were kidding)
5. The ghost of cabin 13
6. How to make some of the best friends of my life, and, in turn, that these friends will come back when you least expect it
7.How to catch a pig
8. How to not shoot myself in the foot while playing archery
9. The proper use of band-aids
10. How to shave my legs past the knee
11. My first kiss. yes it was behind a bush.
12. The polar bears is definitely worth it
13. Camp food is not that bad, until you have to experience as a counselor

Things I learned/ gained at college:
1. I re-learned how to play tennis
2. How to survive with one arm for a while
3. How to make some of the best friends of my life
4. That those who matter won't leave
5. How to properly mission
6. How to make everything a joke
7. Maybe studying doesn't really make a difference
8. I didn't learn how to cook
9. Dance breaks are necessary
10. It's not about what you need, it's about what you want
11. How to effectively set off fire alarms
12. To embrace the now
...... i';m going to stop there.

The point is, college is one big time at summer camp, just with class, papers, teams, and wayyy more drama. Unfortunately, it looks like I won't be able to go back to the camp that shaped me into who I am today, that allowed me the chance to frolic around causing trouble and falling in ditches, that gave me confidence and insight and independence. I will, however, be leaving the place that helped me to hone these skills as an adult with a killer resume but absolutely no direction, and have no desire to come back and do college all over again.

I don't know where I'll be at beginning of June. But wherever I end up, be it camp or Burlington or in a van somewhere or in Europe or maybe Alaska or Seattle or in some oddly convoluted in-between, but most likely in my parent's basement I'll carry what I learned at both camps with me. Right now, that's all I have.

Enjoy the unknown, go out and grab it.

three words that became hard to say

So I just got back from a legit orgasm in my ears that lasted for over 3 hours. It was unreal. Who gave me this insane, body shaking pleasure?! THE AVETT BROTHERS.

I have always known they were good, but they didn't pass into the realm of great for me until listening to their latest album "I and Love and You" about six times. The beats are catchy. The songs are filled with deep, inspirational lyrics that cause your heart to melt and your head to be on the verge of explosion based on the pure combination of feel-good words. They just passed into the land of mind-boggling goodness tonight though, because I understood their work as artists, and realized that they are a super group comprised of extremely talented individuals who each bring their own personality and vibe to the stage. I would, and probably should, look up their names etc but it is like 21 minutes past my bed time and research is not on my mind.

I didn't stop moving the entire time. My body was swaying and my brain was working and at one point I started crying. Their songs are so raw and about unrelenting love, which honestly is the last thing I even want to think about after ending a multiple year, whirlwind of a relationship, but that love can be applied to other relationships as well, or even just an understanding of the world and your place in it. We are all connected, love extends beyond nature or spirituality or god or karma or anything else you may tell yourself as a means of explanation. The Avett Brothers, through their music, brought me back to that sensation of awakening, that body shaking minute when you are completely self-conscious but unabashedly so, when something else takes over reminding your body and soul and mind that they are indeed connected. It was just what I needed.

Enjoy the song:

I and Love and You

P.S sorry about the cheeseball factor of this post. It's just feelings, we all have them sometimes.

there's never enough.

A brief list of things I have learned in the past week:

1. It is too small of a school to date for 3.5 years on and off and then break up. There's nowhere to move on.
2.That said, tough things must be done. This was tough, but it is done.
3. That extremely cliche saying about doors opening and closing and opening is actually true. to an extent,
4. I forget how to play singles.
5. Like mother, like daughter. "Middlemarch" is quickly turning into my new favorite book.
6. Stars.
7. Coffee no longer has an effect on me, or maybe it does, but I don't know because apparently I can drink 2 cups at 9 pm and still accidentally pass out (on my laptop) 2 hours later. WHOOOOPS.
8.the physic paramount.
9. I'm out of stuff I learned.

missing this:

enjoy the.... i don't know.

unclear.

This is me freaking out about next year.

To analyze this, the large animal head (lama?) is next year, or the real world. I am the little boy trapped in the backseat of a car trying to comprehend what the heck is going on. Moral: nobody wins.

we getting funky on the scene

This always happens. I always get a burst of inspiration at the worst possible time. I'm sitting here reading over my thesis for my senior project, and all I want to do is write. But I can't because I am cramming for this meeting and don't want to look like a fool during it.

I will say this: life is a balance. find yours. yes, it is cheesy. but in all seriousness, balance it out to not let other's down. whether you're high or low, we gotta tip on the tight rope.

enjoy the tightrope.

healing and learning.

whooops! started the reverb10 project late and of course already fell behind. I am going to blame that one on finishing up finals and driving home (speaking of which, does anybody have a Garmin brand GPS? I am convinced that mine has a lover in the Adirondacks, because no matter where in New York I am headed, it takes me through them. My theory is that all Garmins have a counterpart in various areas, and I'm gathering data to prove or debunk this theory).

Anyways, I'll skip ahead to today's reverb10 prompt: healing. what healed you in this year? was it sudden, or drip-by-drip? how would you like to be healed in 2011?

2010 was an interesting year in that I did not have any open wounds, per say. Nothing was explicitly wrong with me, my life, or anybody in it. My healing process, therefore, was less of a mending and more of a discovering.

I changed a lot in 2010. I guess in this way, I healed the mental severances that I held between who I used to be and who I am now. This process was extremely gradual, and began right after I returned from abroad last winter. I realized that there is more to life than what I, or anybody, am single-handedly able to experience, so we may as well make the most out of the moments we do have. I healed the part of me that used to get nervous or stressed out about schoolwork or other things. I healed the part of me that tried to hard. In that respect, I learned what was truly important and worth putting effort into and what was trivial. I healed the part of me that thought I could do everything alone. I can't. I healed, and was able to let somebody back in.

I healed the part of me that unfortunately and unattractively was always in competition with others. That is totally gone. I healed my self-doubts, turned them into encouraging thoughts.

I realize the above probably makes me sound like I think of myself as some sort of quasi-Buddha. This is the last thing I think of myself as. As I have healed mentally, I have realized by ability to help other's heal too. That, my friends, is where I want to go in 2011. I truly believe you are not capable of helping another person until you have first helped yourself. I have spent the last year helping myself, now, let's help others.

This post leads into the prompt from December 17: what have you learned about yourself?

I have learned I am a lot calmer than I thought I was. I have learned how to embrace the now and let things play out as they will. I have learned I am a writer at heart, but I am still introducing myself to my inner voice. I have learned what works for my creative process and what does not. Going forward, I will spend more time paying attention to this voice, as I have learned that more than anything, this is me. I have also learned that I can actually dance, but we will see where this goes!

Enjoy the cleansing process.