healing and learning.

whooops! started the reverb10 project late and of course already fell behind. I am going to blame that one on finishing up finals and driving home (speaking of which, does anybody have a Garmin brand GPS? I am convinced that mine has a lover in the Adirondacks, because no matter where in New York I am headed, it takes me through them. My theory is that all Garmins have a counterpart in various areas, and I'm gathering data to prove or debunk this theory).

Anyways, I'll skip ahead to today's reverb10 prompt: healing. what healed you in this year? was it sudden, or drip-by-drip? how would you like to be healed in 2011?

2010 was an interesting year in that I did not have any open wounds, per say. Nothing was explicitly wrong with me, my life, or anybody in it. My healing process, therefore, was less of a mending and more of a discovering.

I changed a lot in 2010. I guess in this way, I healed the mental severances that I held between who I used to be and who I am now. This process was extremely gradual, and began right after I returned from abroad last winter. I realized that there is more to life than what I, or anybody, am single-handedly able to experience, so we may as well make the most out of the moments we do have. I healed the part of me that used to get nervous or stressed out about schoolwork or other things. I healed the part of me that tried to hard. In that respect, I learned what was truly important and worth putting effort into and what was trivial. I healed the part of me that thought I could do everything alone. I can't. I healed, and was able to let somebody back in.

I healed the part of me that unfortunately and unattractively was always in competition with others. That is totally gone. I healed my self-doubts, turned them into encouraging thoughts.

I realize the above probably makes me sound like I think of myself as some sort of quasi-Buddha. This is the last thing I think of myself as. As I have healed mentally, I have realized by ability to help other's heal too. That, my friends, is where I want to go in 2011. I truly believe you are not capable of helping another person until you have first helped yourself. I have spent the last year helping myself, now, let's help others.

This post leads into the prompt from December 17: what have you learned about yourself?

I have learned I am a lot calmer than I thought I was. I have learned how to embrace the now and let things play out as they will. I have learned I am a writer at heart, but I am still introducing myself to my inner voice. I have learned what works for my creative process and what does not. Going forward, I will spend more time paying attention to this voice, as I have learned that more than anything, this is me. I have also learned that I can actually dance, but we will see where this goes!

Enjoy the cleansing process.

5 minutes

Reverb 10 Prompt, December 15, 2010. 5 minutes to remember your year in 2010.

This is very choppy, but it is an adequate representation of how I think about things.

Falling in love. Realizing it is one year closer to graduation. Having my first “real –life job.” Returning to tennis after a year away from the sport. Recognizing my loss of passion for the sport. The feeling of loneliness, hopefulness, annoyance. Being okay enough on my own to let somebody else in. Weddings. The feeling of being sleepy 24/7. The best living situation of my life so far. Mistakes early on in the year that are rectified later in the year. Standing up for myself. Limo wine tour. Helping a friend out, on more than one occasion. Recognizing the power of my own voice. Letting go. Loosening up and believing. A year without a new piercing! Getting close with my sister. Feeling like an adult. Debit card fraud. Bitter, bitter cold. A new style. Long hair. That feeling. Stars. Deadmau5. New friends, reconnecting with old. Taking charge of my academics and making them my own. Frustration. Crying just because I could. 6 hour solo drive. The year that flew by way too quickly.

Enjoy the reflection.

appreciate

fellow bloggies-

I come late in the game to this, but, from now until the end of December I will be participating in Reverb 10. It is a chance to reflect on this past year and figure out where we are going. Check it out at www.reverb10.com

Today's Prompt: December 14: Appreciate. What have you come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

As cheesy as it may sound, this past year I have come to appreciate my connections with others, whether it be my amazing parents, nutty sister, loving boyfriend, my carefree house mates, or my driven teammates. Connections make my world, and this year I would be nowhere without any of this important people. I have learned to never underestimate the power of love and to appreciate the glow it brings us all in it's own way each and every day.

Connections are not tangible but they are the most important fabric of our world. I appreciate the comfort I get from picking up the phone and calling my mom simply because I miss her and need her advice. I appreciate my sister's new-found spirit and sense of self, how she combines her new San Fran lifestyle with the VT homebody she will always be. I appreciate the ability of my tall, goofy, redheaded boy to cheer me up with one look, crack me up with one word. I appreciate his attentive ear and love of the bear hug. I appreciate my roommates dealing with me at my worst, the numerous nights spent unproductively in the living room, discussing how we should be doing work. I appreciate each of them for who they are. I love our late nights and early mornings, the bagels that are ALWAYS in the fridge, our open closet policy, our random texts. I appreciate my narrative professor's ability to make me see through the words on the page into their deeper meaning, that little extra push that feels like a huge horse kick at the time but totally pays off. I appreciation his appreciation of my "art." I appreciate the connections with my 'tennis girls,' the every-lasting love that only a two teammates can feel, the girls who push me to sprint faster, work hard, lift one more rep. I appreciate my long-lost abroad friends, the ones who introduced me to British life and made me feel more than I ever have in my entire life.

Most of all, I am learning how to appreciate what I am to all of the important people in my life. I see now that the only why I can express my pure, unrelenting gratitude to them is to give everything they have given me back to them, and more. I want to make them get the same joy out of me that I get out of them. I want to individually thank them for each moment that I will never forget. I spent 2010 working on who I am, and I am planning on spending 2011 helping the ones I love to figure out who they are.

I appreciate love, yes, but mostly I appreciate the grounding and stability it gives me. I am truly lucky to have this many amazing people in my life, it is uncommon to have more than one truly great friend. For everybody who needs an extra ear to listen, shoulder to cry on, laugh to laugh with, I will try my best to be there for you. The one way I can express my appreciation is by saying thank you, but I cannot say it enough.

Enjoy that loving feeling.

this is all i know.

This is unacceptable, actually. 6 weeks with no new post. It is not that I have nothing to write about, I do. It is not that I have haven't had the time to sit down and write, I have that too. I lost my voice. It was mute for approximately three months. I was talking, talking, talking. What was I saying? Nobody knows.

I had a minor break down in a professor's office. I was knee-deep in criticism of 19th century advertising techniques, and my writing went into the shit hole. I was regurgitating nonsense, claiming I agreed with theories I didn't, and name dropping left and right. I had no creative inspiration, even though I loved the project. "Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within" was the solution I was offered. I ate it up. I regained balance, gravity, in my words. I find myself to be in a state of turmoil, struggle, unclarity. I still am, but reading helps.

Let us not forget that college is still technically real-life, even though hopefully the real world does not involve awkward encounters, tangled hearts, chugging coffee and living off of grilled cheese sandwiches and York peppermint patties, seeing 5 hours of sleep as great, and letting nothing phase you. Hopefully the real world is more emotional. Maybe it is not. I'll see when I get there.

Now is now, then is then, and finishing this essay has to happen sometime in-between.

Enjoy the words your brain leeks, let them go, continue, move on.