you'll find love so take me with you, always

Here we are now. 17 days left in my time here (and yes my number of blogs during my time here is extremely pathetic, I know). It is amazing how when transitions are sneaking up on your brain gets all confused and emotional for no apparent reason except, it seems, to remind you that yes, a transition is coming up.

17 days. Reminds me a glorified Ratatat song- '17 years'-'now i've been rapping for about 17 years, i just take things from my head, no disrespect, that's just how i am'.

Thanksgiving. I woke up in tears. There have only been 2 other times when I have woken up in tears. You never actually think you will miss the things you do until you start to miss them, and then you are wondering why you didn't think you would miss them in the first place.

It is also odd, seeing as I will be home sooo soon and missing all of this, to miss being home. Things progress and change and adapt and dissolve and become and go and move and shake and be and dissolve again and memories are created and forgotten and re-remembered and created again and new ones come in and push the old out into the open and closed spaces of the brain we thought we may have lost until BAM they suddenly appear and haunt us and as soon as they do that inner emotional stirring of nothingness or everything-ness or happiness or extreme terror rises rises and then BAM it is there and we have to confront it without falling completely to pieces externally.

That is where I am now. Wishing for the comfort of home, of still being in bed waking up to a scent of fresh coffee and watching Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, of staying in my pajamas until 1 Pm when we will go for a walk in the brisk fall air and crunch on leaves, our thoughts on the upcoming meal. Then we will eat copious amounts of food until we can't eat anymore and lie flat on the floor, playing a board game wish I will probably lose.

All of that will be there next year, now it is time to mentally be here, in full. There is nothing worse than cheating yourself of your present moment and experience. So be here, enjoy the now, we have nothing more than that.

Soundtrack: Au Revoire Simone's 'Sad Song':

Play me a sad song
'Cause that’s what I want to hear
I want you to make me cry
I want to remember the places that we left
Lost to the mists of time

I know that you’ll go soon
You’ll find out so take me with you always
I know that you’ll go soon
You’ll find out so take me with you always

On buses that move through the night
We sleep on and on
We got off at Memphis
Black-top heat will make us thirsty
We’ll never get sick anymore

I know that you’ll go soon
You’ll find out so take me with you always
I know that you’ll go soon
You’ll find out so take me with you always

Play me a sad song
'Cause that’s what I want to hear
I want you to make me cry
I want to remember the places that we left
Lost to the mists of time

Enjoy the memories, and today, enjoy the turkey!

you were right about the stars

each one is a setting sun.

first Wilco show- Flynn Theatre, BTV, grade 8, with mom, the year Yankee Hotel Foxtrot dropped. Front row balcony seats, went crazy when 'Heavy Metal Drummer' was played. That was when I first realized that I was massively in love with Jeff Tweedy.

second Wilco show- Shelburne Museum, summer after grade 12. Excellent outdoor venue, family friendly picnic-ing. When I realized I would do anything to be Jeff Tweedy's number one groupie.

third Wilco show- Leeds, England, UK, junior year. Tightest show yet. Amazing. When I realized I would give anything to be a part of Jeff Tweedy's family (preferably wife, marry me now). The set list:

1. Wilco (The Song) 2. A Shot In The Arm 3. Bull Black Nova 4. You Are My Face 5. One Wing 6. I Am Trying To Break Your Heart 7. Muzzle Of Bees 8. Radio Cure 9. Impossible Germany 10. I'll Fight 11. Handshake Drugs 12. Sonny Feeling 13. Jesus, Etc. 14. Theologians 15. I'm The Man Who Loves You 16. Hummingbird // E1: 17. Poor Places 18. Spiders (Kidsmoke) // E2: 19. Hate It Here 20. Walken 21. Heavy Metal Drummer 22. Can't Stand It 23. I'm A Wheel

I don't think I stopped moving the entire show. Highlights: when Tweedy called an audience member out for acting upset, then apologized with 'sorry you had to see my angry face'. When Glenn Kotche (the super talented, super fly drummer) arose holding his sticks in the power position. When 'Poor Places' fused into 'Spiders (kidsmoke)'. When they would turn to one another and have private jam sessions on stage. Any time Tweedy opened his mouth. Epic.

There is a certain high that one feels after seeing a great show. It is a combination of awe, of endorphins courtesy of the endless dancing and body movin', being in love with the main singer, and pure love and amazement at the fact that individuals are so creative and able to throw together tiny masterpieces one chord at a time. So many emotions during that show- raw, unquestioned happiness, bittersweet memories fused with small regrets of that one summer, amazement, and finally waves of physical and emotional tiredness from loving and feeling so intensely. It is amazing that watching 6 middle-aged men playing instruments on a well-lit stage can do that to do you.

Enjoy the music.

and you in your autumn sweater

I always realize how much I miss fall in Vermont and Upstate New York on days like this, when there is a perfect crispy chill and the breeze wrinkles through the trees just enough to allow one or two golden leaves to float away. Fall, or shall I say Autumn, in England is nothing like Autumn in the Northeast. There are no leaves to crunch on or run through, there is no hazy orange tinge to the light around 4:30 PM (it is currently 5:05 PM here and is just about dark), there are no pumpkins, and sadly there is no left over Halloween candy. So on a day like this, when it almost feels like a proper New England (or Upstate) fall, I get super excited!

The sound track to the day changed between A.M by Wilco (who I happen to be seeing tomorrow night WORD) and Yo La Tengo's fantastic tracks 'Autumn Sweater' and 'Our Way to Fall'. It was a day of finishing and beginning, of fresh crisp air mixed with the stress of coursework deadlines, of preparing for my week away full of new adventures while being nostalgic about past memories. It was a day of red cheeks and aimless wanders while being extremely focused internally. In essence, it qualified as a Fall day in Vermont, without the piles of leaves to crunch.

For your ear's enjoyment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAaeKo09ey8&feature=related
'Our way to fall' and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgSjn_5L5xo 'autumn sweater'

And to leave you with a little poetic somethan' somethan', courtesy of Ira Kaplan:

When I heard the knock on the door
I couldn't catch my breath
Is it too late to call this off

We could slip away, wouldn't that be better
Me with nothing to say, and you in your autumn sweater

I tried my best to hide
In a crowded room, it's nearly possible
I wait for you, oh, most patiently

So I looked for your eyes
And the waves looked like they'd pour right out of them
I'll try hard, I'll try always
But it's a waste of time
It's a waste of time if I can't smile easily
Like in the beginning
In the beginning...

Enjoy the fall.